but the cat came back
by Nemainofthewater
Summary: The Monster is basically a giant cat, complete with inappropriate gifts. Julia just wants gummi bears. Target has seen weirder. Series 4 spoilers. crack!fic


But the cat came back

The first clue that something was wrong was when the Monster dropped a struggling Reynard, bound and gagged, in front of Julia on one of her furtive stops at Target.

(Sometimes she just really needs cheap, shitty candy, ok? Especially when someone has just been murdered, and she hates that she can say this from experience)

"What the fuck," she says blankly.

"Julia!" says the Monster brightly, "I've brought you a gift."

He points down at Reynard like a child showing off his favourite mud pie specimen, complete with earthworms and questionable brown substances.

"Don't you like it?" It says, pouting.

"This is just…unexpected," Julia says weakly. Around her the bustle of people hasn't changed: evidently people have seen weirder things at Target.

"I thought you'd want to play with him. After what he took from you like he took from me."

"No! Jesus. No. I just want to forget about him, ok?"

"Oh," it says sadly, "You don't want to play with it. Well, never mind."

It casually plunges its hand into Reynard's chest and withdraws the now familiar stone-organ.

Well shit. Now she can never come back to this Target and it's the only one within walking distance that stocks the sour gummi bears she likes.

"It's a pity," it says, "I've heard that humans bond through mutual activities and I thought that we could have some fun with the little god."

Julia sighs. She should probably _feel_ a lot more, well, feelings about Reynard's death, but honestly? She's just tired. Her mental bandwidth is full with worrying about what the fuck she is, and where Penny has disappeared to, and how to stop Q's death wish from being a reality. She really doesn't have time for this crap on top of it all.

She grabs a couple of packets of gummi bears and rips one open, biting its head off viciously. The Monster is looking at her, its head tilted to one side like a particularly inquisitive bird.

Julia groans and extends the packet. The Monster immediately takes the whole thing, and really what was she expecting? It's a poorly socialised, sociopathic child. Of course it has no concept of sharing.

Julia starts to make her way out of the store and into the self-service area, where she glares until someone backs away from their kiosk. She starts scanning packets at quickly as possible, ignoring the Monster trailing after her with no regard for personal space.

Supplies paid for, she turns around and jabs a finger into the Monster's chest.

"Look," she hisses, "You can't just kill gods in a crowded area. People will see, and freak out, and then before you know it you're sitting in a psych ward."

The Monster beams.

"You're worried about me!" it crows, "In case I get in trouble. You're a good friend Julia."

"Jeez, no. I'm worried about the innocent bystanders if anyone tries to arrest you. And we're not friends, Quentin's your best friend, remember?"

"Quentin doesn't like me anymore," the Monster says sadly, "He doesn't want me. He only wants the body. But you…you could be my friend instead?"

Julia immediately bites down on the first five responses that come to mind. Then the next ten. She isn't super worried about dying: after being magic-electrocuted approximately a million times it's kind of same-old same-old by this point. But they need the Monster to stick around, if nothing else because Quentin would kill himself searching for it if it didn't. And if it stops hanging around Q so much…

"We're not friends," she says, "You can't become friends immediately, out of nowhere. You have to work at it."

She sighs.

"Come with me," she says.

She walks to one of the ubiquitous shitty diners, the Monster following her like the world's tallest (and bloodiest) duckling.

She slides into a booth.

"Yes," says the Monster, "I like these diners of yours. Bring me pancakes," it orders imperiously.

"Just a coffee for me, thanks," she says. She mouths _sorry _at the waitress. She's going to have to leave the biggest tip.

"You can't do that," she says to the Monster once the waitress has left, "Just demand things I mean. It's not a friendship if one of the people just takes everything all the time. Both parties have to contribute equally, right?"

"You mean," the Monster says slowly, "That if I want to be a good friend, I should bring more gifts? But you didn't like my gift," it says accusingly.

"It's more complicated than that, ok?" Julia says, "You can't just…"

She trails off. She can't find the words. And really, she's not exactly the shining paragon of a friend herself, why is she the one stuck with socialising the Monster.

"I see," the Monster says, "I have to get better presents."

"Wait, no!"

Too late. It's disappeared.

"Damn it," she says slumping back down into her seat.

Two days later, when she's woken by Quentin's screams and comes stumbling out of her room to find ten dead bodies artistically arranged on their doorstep…Well. She really isn't surprised.


End file.
